I have spent a long time grappling with the dilemma of faith. I know that I attended church with my mother intermittently in my toddlerhood, although I don’t much remember it, and with friends later in childhood and early adolescence. I always wanted so much to believe, and was consistently disappointed with myself and the difficulty I found in doing so. I felt that there had to be something wrong in me that I was unable to coax myself into believing. I proclaimed that I did anyway, hoping that if I wanted it enough and lied long enough, it would ultimately become truth. Talk about disillusionment.
In high school I stumbled on Wicca, paganism, and the entire gamut of earth-based, goddess-centered religions and belief systems. I found a home here for many years, but even then I don’t think I ever fully convinced myself. I am still more at home with that line of thinking, and I think that is because of its connection with the earth, with nature, and the respect inherent for all life. I think that at its heart, that is what all spirituality is about. There is a lot yet that science has not fully explained, a lot that is still unknown. But I don’t think we’ll find the answers in religion. Or at the very least, not any answers that I can fully believe.
I’m often frustrated by true believers, as I’m sure they are often frustrated with me. We can admit valid counterarguments but at the crux of it, it is very hard for either of us to fully understand. I cannot understand the argument for faith, and those with faith are equally perplexed by my disregard for it. Is a resolution possible?